Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Vote Boris!

Ah, joyful London life. Public transportation is about as inviting as having your genitals dunked in battery acid. Right now the city is jammed solid with gormless shuffling tourists getting in the way all of whom deserve nothing less than a .357 Magnum 180-grain Supreme Expansion Talon through the brainpan. Meanwhile the 2012 debacle looms overhead ready to take a giant dump on the city.

Still, there’s always a bright side. Especially now that Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, MP for Henley, has stepped up to enter the race to Conservative candidate for Mayor of London in next year’s election. He may not be much better than boring Red Ken, but you know it’ll be a laugh. Boris does good soundbites, even with his foot planted firmly in his mouth.

Boris on why people should vote Conservative:

“Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.”

Boris on drugs:

“I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn’t go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar.”

Boris on being appointed Shadow Arts Minister:

“Look the point is... er, what is the point? It's a tough job and somebody has got to do it.”

Boris on Liverpool:

“[Liverpudlians] cannot accept that they might have made any contribution to their misfortunes, but seek rather to blame someone else for it, thereby deepening their sense of shared tribal grievance about the rest of society.”

Boris on the railways:

“To rely on a train in Blair's Britain is to engage in a crapshoot with the devil.”

Boris on becoming a future Prime Minister:

“My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive.”

Boris on Portsmouth:

“One of the most depressed towns in Southern England, a place that is arguably too full of drugs, obesity, underachievement and Labour MPs.”

Boris on the Conservative Leadership Contest:

“I am supporting David Cameron purely out of cynical self-interest.”

Boris on Papua New Guinea:

“For 10 years, we in the Tory Party have become used to Papua New Guinea-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing, and so it is with happy amazement that we watch as the madness engulfs the Labour Party.”

Boris on being sacked by the then-Conservative leader, Michael Howard:

“My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.”

He sure as hell gets my vote.


At 10:12 am, Blogger Jaded and Cynical said...

Those are great quotes. BJ certainly has entertainment value.

But what's curious is that so long as you've been to the right schools and come from the right sort of background, you can play the buffoon in public all you want and still get a seat in the Commons and a shot at high office.

Anyone from a relatively normal background, making the same remarks, wouldn't be allowed to clean the toilets at Central Office.

At 9:02 pm, Blogger Good Dog said...

Absolutely, the system is horribly unfair. But he's better than some evil twat who thinks he is doing God's work.

At 6:08 pm, Blogger Phill Barron said...

I'd vote for him as Prime Minister, just to see the expressions on the faces of the other world leaders when he arrived at UN summits.

It's either him or Norman Wisdom in my book.

At 6:57 pm, Blogger Good Dog said...

Norman Wisdom is apt to falling asleep after a full lunch.

The thing is, put Boris up against George W, and Bush would still come across as the biggest dunce.

At 7:47 pm, Blogger Phill Barron said...

Exactly! That's why it would be so funny. International politics, a battle of wits between people who haven't got any.


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