Meet Just One Veg

I have a love hate relationship with all the crap that gets shovelled into my junk mail folder on a daily basis. It’s nice that certain people think I’m in need of finding a Fuck Buddy in my area, although the ones offering a solution to erectile dysfunction are honestly wasting their time.

Then there are things like this...

From: MR LARRY KUMAR,
The Manager,Audit/Account Section
African Development Bank
Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso.

Dear Comrade,

How are you today? Hope all is well. Please be informed that I have decided to contact you for a fund transfer transaction worth the sum of US$22,300,000.00 into your reliable bank account as the sole NEXT-OF-KIN to the foreign deceased customer of our bank (an International Billionaire French Businessman) who was killed with his entire family by PLANE-CRASH in Central England atmost 3 years ago. Since his death occured, no body have show up as his next of kin for the claim because the account is untraceable. Upon the investigation I carried out from his records, I found out that his foreign business consultant who would have trace the account died earlier before the deceased. Therefore, this is a confidential and sealed deal.

For the success of this transaction, you should apply and act as the only existing NEXT-OF-KIN to the deceased which our bank will replace the deceased account information through proper documentation in position of your own account. This transaction is risk-free, it will never harm your good reputation in your society because no one can trace the account, and on the instant of the transfer of the fund into your account, the chapter of this transaction will be closed entirely.

Note that in a business of this nature, the bank dont want to know your difference between the deceased country, religion or believe because our bank inheritance law is against that. So, it is a preference for us achieve this success without any problem.
Please note down that once the fund get transferred into your account, you will take 39% of the total sum while the rest will be for me as I will arrange myself down to your country to take my share.

I need your urgent response and include your private telephone/mobile numbers for easy communication.Please reply if you can be trusted in this deal.

Thanks,

Mr. Larry Kumar,

Wow, it sounds utterly brilliant! Or rather it would sound brilliant if I’d just fallen off the fucking turnip truck. I may be a cynical sonofabitch but gullible I’m not.

Unfortunately there are folk out there who can’t see that this is even more lame than the plots of the ITC adventure shows from the 1960s and 70s – although, if I remember rightly, The Persuaders! probably came pretty close on more than one occasion.

Let me guess, the next step involves handing “Comrade Larry” bank details and a handling charge? Maybe even the odd vital organ, I’d imagine, just for the hell of it.

Larry, the only thing you need to know from me is that I can be trusted to tell you to fuck the fuck off the planet, you utter parasite.