Two Old Jokes

Well, it’s Saturday, so we know what’s coming. I imagine something I say in the next day or two will annoy somebody, especially when it looks like the bridge between the two episodes is probably just a bullshit publicity stunt.

So for anyone who think this might get their dander up, here are a couple of Old jokes recently posted on the Art Deco Dining Pavilion to help you lighten up and see the funny side.

The first comes courtesy of writer Peter David:

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, “Hi, Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson: ‘They won't let me fart.’

The second is courtesy of author Adam-Troy Castro:

In an old people’s home, ninety-year-old Mabel is having a hell of a time racing her wheelchair around the corridors at high speed, taking the corners on two wheels, shouting, “Vroom! Vroom!”

She is taking one long corridor at high speed when ninety-year-old Milo, an ex-cop, steps out of his room, palm out in the universal sign for STOP. Mabel stops. Milo demands, “License!”

Mabel reaches into her bathrobe and comes out with a crumpled piece of tissue.

“Everything's in order,” Milo says. “But obey the speed limit!”

Mabel thanks the officer but is back to vrooming the instant his back is turned. Another full circuit of the corridors, shouting “Vroom! Vroom!” I mean, she's going for a land-speed record.

Until she comes back to Milo’s corridor, and again he stops her, demanding her registration this time.

So she reaches into her other pocket and hands him a piece of lint.

“Everything’s in order,” Milo barks. “Don't make me stop you again.”

But Mabel will not be denied, and so she pours on the gas the instant she's out of sight. Nurses, orderlies, old guys with walkers, are all diving into open doorways to get out of the way as she passes by in a blur, taking another left, another left, another left, completing the full circle, SHINING-style, until she rounds that last corner and sees an especially stern Milo standing in her path.

Except that this time, he has doffed his own bathrobe. He is naked, his dingus swinging.

Mabel screeches to a halt. “Oh, no, officer! Not the breathalyzer test again!”