Saturday, July 05, 2008

Two Old Jokes

Well, it’s Saturday, so we know what’s coming. I imagine something I say in the next day or two will annoy somebody, especially when it looks like the bridge between the two episodes is probably just a bullshit publicity stunt.

So for anyone who think this might get their dander up, here are a couple of Old jokes recently posted on the Art Deco Dining Pavilion to help you lighten up and see the funny side.

The first comes courtesy of writer Peter David:

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, “Hi, Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson: ‘They won't let me fart.’

The second is courtesy of author Adam-Troy Castro:

In an old people’s home, ninety-year-old Mabel is having a hell of a time racing her wheelchair around the corridors at high speed, taking the corners on two wheels, shouting, “Vroom! Vroom!”

She is taking one long corridor at high speed when ninety-year-old Milo, an ex-cop, steps out of his room, palm out in the universal sign for STOP. Mabel stops. Milo demands, “License!”

Mabel reaches into her bathrobe and comes out with a crumpled piece of tissue.

“Everything's in order,” Milo says. “But obey the speed limit!”

Mabel thanks the officer but is back to vrooming the instant his back is turned. Another full circuit of the corridors, shouting “Vroom! Vroom!” I mean, she's going for a land-speed record.

Until she comes back to Milo’s corridor, and again he stops her, demanding her registration this time.

So she reaches into her other pocket and hands him a piece of lint.

“Everything’s in order,” Milo barks. “Don't make me stop you again.”

But Mabel will not be denied, and so she pours on the gas the instant she's out of sight. Nurses, orderlies, old guys with walkers, are all diving into open doorways to get out of the way as she passes by in a blur, taking another left, another left, another left, completing the full circle, SHINING-style, until she rounds that last corner and sees an especially stern Milo standing in her path.

Except that this time, he has doffed his own bathrobe. He is naked, his dingus swinging.

Mabel screeches to a halt. “Oh, no, officer! Not the breathalyzer test again!”

8 Comments:

At 4:26 pm, Blogger Brian Sibley said...

Must put my name for that home NOW!

 
At 5:30 pm, Blogger Ian said...

No matter how bad tonight's publicity-fed over-hyped nonsense is I'm taking great solace in the "Russel T Davies answers your questions" piece the Beeb published a few days ago, where he promises that when he leaves next year he will never write for the show again.

Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah! Let's just hope they get it in writing.

Oddly they didn't ask the great man my question "Why are all your episodes, unlike those by everybody else, like badly written fan fiction written by an eight year old?". Can't think why that one didn't get published!

 
At 6:35 pm, Blogger Good Dog said...

Brian,

I got an email from a friend who, having read the jokes, said she couldn't wait to get old.

It left me wondering which joke inspired her comment.

Ian,

I just saw the nonsense...er, interesting Q&A. I'm shocked your one didn't get put forward. You should have phrased it like those weird pictures with the cats...

"Y iz yur storeez shit?"

Or something like that...

 
At 9:42 pm, Blogger qrter said...

Oh he'd just say you should run back to "ming mong land" and proceed to eat a fresh bowl of 100-pound notes.

 
At 10:49 pm, Blogger Riddley Walker said...

A dear friend's Facebook status currently reads “X is wondering how there can still be anyone out there who doesn’t adore ‘Doctor Who’.”

This is making me feel really uneasy...

 
At 11:43 pm, Blogger Brian Sibley said...

Having seen the Grand Finale (on one of my rare Dr Who viewings this millennia) I can understand and empathise with your dis-ease...

 
At 6:27 pm, Blogger Riddley Walker said...

Just skimmed through the final episode - oh dear god, what utter tripe.

There’s an enormous gulf between ‘science fiction’ (the good, written stuff) and this utter nonsense. I’ve never seen so many cheap get-outs, juvenile techno-babble and appalling acting and dialogue in a very long time. It’s very depressing that the UK is producing great sci-fi writers like Peter F Hamilton and Neal Asher (among many others) that can inspire and awe with their work, yet the public generally regards this empty trash as sci-fi and write it all off.

Still, the emperor’s new clothes do look so very fine...

 
At 9:30 pm, Blogger qrter said...

You remind me, I bought the reprinted Riddley Walker a while ago, I still have to read it.

 

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