Veg Out

Being violently ill during the pre–dawn hours of Monday morning perhaps wasn’t the best start to this week. By late yesterday afternoon, stretched out on the sofa and still feeling utterly ragged, I flicked on the television to watch the BBC News at six o’clock. Even before the main headlines were announced I had flaked out and didn’t come around until The One Show was on, which was unfortunate.

I’d watched the odd edition in the past, usually just to see how much of a gooseberry the studio guest is made to feel, introduced and then virtually ignored as the show rattles through the various human interest stories and other inconsequential nonsense on VT. Sometimes these reports could be quite entertaining but more often than not they turned the magazine programme into something akin to the Daily Mail Lite. I woke to some pinched–faced harpy explaining that she had stopped eating meat to "save the planet". Really?

With the UN climate summit in Copenhagen kicking off we were back to that old chestnut that farmed cattle and the methane they emit is chiefly responsible for global warming. I suppose if I’d been feeling well enough I would have sourced some hard facts to support this theory, but why bother. On screen, a restaurant critic had been roped in to represent the “other side” (i.e. irresponsible meat–eating bastards) and every time he asked her a direct question that would require things like troublesome facts to back up her stream of bullshit the material hurriedly moved on to something else entirely.

A minute or less of the running time touched on how such a drastic measure would affect economies and rural communities, but in the end it boiled down to this notion that we all give up eating any kind of meat so everything can be right with the world and we can live happily every after. So how do we do that exactly? What were the real solutions? Of course none were actually put forward. Instead it was pure ignorant scaremongering from a harpy who, while off beef, looked like she would enjoy life more if she had some available cock.

Poking around the internet for a few brief moments I came across information from NASA’s Goddard Institute for Space Science that revealed western cattle produced 120kg of methane per year, non–western cattle half that, sheep and pigs emitted 8kg and 1.5kg respectively, and, just in case you wanted to know, a human produced 0.12kg. So obviously by comparison cattle were very, very bad. But what about goats or deer, rabbits, ducks, geese, turkeys, pheasants, ostrich or kangaroo? What about fish? Why a blanket ban, unless it’s just to whip up foolish hysteria?

And if we’re not going to eat beef what do we do with the existing livestock? Leaving them to graze into old age isn’t the best bet if they keep up their burping and farting. So do we destroy the lot? Incineration wouldn’t work for health and safety since they’re obviously stuffed full of a flammable gas. Maybe shot them in the head with a bolt gun and dump them in a ditch. But that’s a real waste of meat, when there are people starving in the world. So maybe, just maybe, we eat them. How does that sound?

And if we work out a workable process to gradually phase out cattle it’s not just beef that has to go but dairy as well. So along with the prime ribeye, that’ll also mean milk, butter, and cheese are also off the menu. Obviously that’s no biggie because there’s goat’s milk, which is actually a more healthy option, unless the goats have to go as well. Can you make cheese from soya milk? Maybe we start milking cats. It may not taste great but that’s what sacrifice is all about, right?

One other thing I found, which I had obviously missed earlier in the year, was this idea for Meat Free Monday, which seems just as pointless. Worse it turned out that this bright idea was backed by the likes of Chris Martin, Sheryl Crow, and Paul–bloody–McCartney. I would only pay attention to Sir Macca if he announced a raffle where the winner gets to pour drain cleaner down his throat while the five runners–up kicked him until his vital organs burst. Harsh perhaps, but deserved.

Maybe there is a real answer to this problem, one that the great brains trust in charge has chosen to overlook. With this real concern of increased farming to feed the growing population, perhaps the answer is we simply resort to cannibalism. It makes as much sense. What I have learnt is that having grown up on two farms, the first beef, the second beef and arable, apparently I’ve played a small part in your impending doom. No need thank me all at once; you’re very welcome.

Anyway, after two days being rather poorly I’m now back on my feet and hungry as hell. So I’m off across to the butchers on the Broadway when it opens to get a nice juicy steak for dinner.