From A To Z In The Good Dog Alphabet

Tagged earlier this month by the great Brian Sibley, here, finally, is my ABC, which stands for AUTOBIOGRAPHICALLY BLOGGED CONFESSIONAL. The questions were already set, which is a good thing because left to my own devices I might have divulged some seriously dirty little secrets.

A is for AGE

At present, 44. Although I’m sure many people would admit that I could be perceived of very rarely acting my age. So ya boo sucks to them!

B is for BED SIZE

A queen-size bed that not only lets me stretch out some but also indulge in sleeping with my feet sticking off the end of the mattress, which, perhaps bizarrely, is my favoured state of repose.

C is for CHORE YOU HATE

Well, I’m not sure any chore puts a spring in anyone’s step. I suppose having to be diplomatic at times when I really want to tear somebody’s face off because they’re being a total cock is a real chore. Shaving runs a close second.

D is for DOG’S NAME

The last family pet, when we were living on the farm, was a black Alsatian/Labrador–cross, rescued from an animal shelter called Floyd. He was a lad, and should have lived a longer life. Though it’s doubtful, once he came into our custody, he could have lived a happier one.

E is for ESSENTIAL START TO YOUR DAY

Toast, cranberry juice and a gasper. (Toast and cranberry juice optional). Years back, filming for the National Obesity Forum at the party conferences, one of the nurses giving free health checks stated breakfast was the most important meal of the day. To run a car you have to put fuel in it first, she explained without sounding at all patronising. I agreed that it was best to stay healthy and then immediately went outside to spark up.

F is for FAVOURITE COLOUR

Green. It may seem an odd choice simply because I don’t wear much green anymore, instead going for darker, more muted colours. But then how boring would things be if everything made sense.

G is for GOLD OR SILVER

Gold, only because it’s more shiny, shiny! Though I’ve never worn any jewellery or ever had any piercings. Heck, I’ve even stopped wearing a watch, using my mobile phone to check the time. I guess it makes it easier going through metal detectors.

H is for HEIGHT

The short answer... 5′11”.

I is for INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY(ED)

Not a one! We had music classes at school but I’ll be damned if I can remember exactly what we did in them other than harass the teacher at every opportunity we could. It’s not that I have a tin ear for music, I suppose I just wasn’t that interested.

J is for JOB TITLE

Writer (subject to change). And that’s all he wrote.

K is for KID(S)

None. Although, if the crazy girlfriend who tried to stab me almost two decades back hadn’t had a miscarriage in the middle of the night, I’d be a member of Fathers For Justice right now.

L is for LIVING ARRANGEMENTS

In the broader term I’m happy to allow people to coexist (although the pet peeve may suggest otherwise). More locally I have a one-bedroom apartment in a nice part of the city, even if, within the walls, everything centres around a desk that looks like someone fired a mortar round into a filing cabinet.

M is for MOM’S NAME

Veronica. 80 years old and still going strong. Because rain was forecast for this morning out west they were having to schedule their weekly tennis match earlier than usual.

N is for NICKNAMES

Good Dog or GD. Years back, working for a trendy design and advertising consultancy, someone started calling me Baloo although it didn’t really take and soon fizzled out. As for the school nickname, which was kind of obvious when you think about TV comedies circa 1978, since I tried to forget it then I’m certainly not bringing it up now.

O is for OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAY OTHER THAN BIRTH

When I had my tonsils out as a kiddie. Because the knock-out drops initially given to all the kids awaiting surgery – which was like some kind of purple liquid in a small metal cup – didn’t have any immediate effect on me, my abiding memory of the event is struggling on the operating table as the anaesthetist forced a mask over my mouth.

P is for PET PEEVE

Only a small one but it’s humanity, thinking it has ownership of this spinning ball of rock and generally fucking it up for everything else.

Q is for QUOTE FROM A MOVIE

This got covered in the previous post and the answer is “His real name is Arty Morty!” from the Sherlock Holmes spoof Without a Clue, simply because it’s a great line to drop into conversation and see how people react. Alternatively, the last line from the opening narration of Phil Kaufman’s The Right Stuff always brings a lump to my throat: “...They were called test pilots. And no one knew their names.”

R is for RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED

I’m right handed, which is a good thing because I don’t fancy being persecuted as a devil-worshipper. That said, it still doesn’t stop people treating me with suspicion and disdain, which is unfair.

S is for SPORTS

Croquet, which I got rather good at. Like water-skiing, I haven’t played for a while. Still, I don’t think I’m ready to peg out just yet.

T is for TIME YOU WAKE UP

I’m usually awake around 7:30, even if I don’t always have a good, uninterrupted night’s sleep. The fact that most days I can wake up without the aid of an alarm clock screeching in my ear makes it really irritating come the weekend.

U is for UNDERWEAR

M&S briefs in dark blue or black. They may not be exotic but they keep my boys safe and snug, which is what counts.

V is for VEGETABLE YOU DISLIKE

I’ve never seen the point of the aubergine. The marrow runs a close second, especially when, unless cooked properly, it makes everything so watery in a recipe.

W is for WAYS YOU RUN LATE

Relying on public transport. Although to be fair the general lackadaisical nature of buses and trains occasionally balance out my near pathological need to be early for everything. I’m the one person happy to turn up at the airport check–in hours before I need to be there.

X is for X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD

Pelvis X-ray last month and again midweek to get a look at where that pesky kidney stone is at. I have to say the CAT scan was far more animated and interesting. As for the ultrasound of my testicles, the less said the better.

Y is for YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE

I used to do a darned good chicken stir-fry and a particular wicked chilli shepherd’s pie. From the recipe books, that I can only assume are still with an old girlfriend, I’d pick something and see how it goes. Now that I’m simply cooking for myself I tend not to give a damn. The most adventurous I’ve got of late is having beetroot in the sandwiches.

Z is for ZOO FAVORITE

I like the penguins. While other animals can look peeved at being behind bars, the penguins just get on with it. Actually I have to say I prefer aquariums to zoos. At the Audubon Aquarium of the Americas on Canal Street in New Orleans I even got to pet a baby sand shark. Although it was more like the attendant ordered us to stroke it as we were passing by, whether we wanted to or not.

Now I suspect I’m supposed to tag a bunch of folk to pass it on, but since the last time I did that half of them bailed on me, do it if you want or don’t do it, it’s your call.