What Possessed Them?

I missed the announcement. Can you believe that? If I had known, no doubt I would have been on my knees, face pressed up against the television screen, trying not to spot with nervous anticipation. Of course rather than getting all jingly-jangly about such stuff and nonsense, I was too busy watching the second episode of HBO’s utterly phenomenal John Adams, which Channel 4 is currently showing.

Do you think the UK’s current drama commissioners were watching such an astonishing piece of work? Nah, me neither! Because if they had seen it now or when it was first screened on More4 last year, would they go ahead and give the nod to such utter toss as Demons? Were there any functioning brain stems in evidence when the suits from Shine went to ITV to pitch the show? Rather than wait for security to escort them from the building, I’d have simply set the dogs loose and put the popcorn in the microwave.


What was the pitch? Did they simply spill the fact that it was nothing more than a totally shitty UK rip-off of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or did they go into more detail? I love the fact that the series creator, Peter Tabern, originally named the show The Last Van Helsing, until someone pointed out that Universal Pictures, who made a massive, fuck-off summer blockbuster some years back, held the rights to the name. This has got to give hope to all the dweeby knuckleheads dreaming up crappy dramas in their bedrooms. If even the most clueless fuckwits can get a commission then there’s hope for everyone else.

Still, would it have hurt to inject Demons with just a smidgen of originality? A kid finds he’s the last of the Van Helsings – the “Chosen One” whose destiny is to hunt demons? Come on?! The American godfather who reveals the fact and then goes about acting as his mentor is called Rupert Galvin? I mean, for fuck sake! Then it turns out that his assistant, who quickly forms part of this UK-based Scooby Gang is the Mina Harker. Of course maybe she’s simply on loan from Alan Moore’s The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and either Allan Quatermain or Captain Nemo will guest in future episodes.


I know this putrid nonsense is obviously aimed at kids and anyone with dog shit for brains, but even the most retarded must have stared, slack-jawed and goggle-eyed as Mackenzie Crook made his entrance with a squashed vulture nose glued to his face, and muttered, “What the fucking fuck?!” Then again, maybe that audience was probably all aquiver during the time of transmission and failed to notice. After all, they were probably still blowing their load over the news of who was going to step up to be the new Doctor.

Can you believe the BBC1 jacked off over half an hour of the Saturday night schedule for this? Shit, if they were desperate for filler, why didn’t they lump a bunch of the great Fred Quimby-produced Tom and Jerry cartoons together and put in its place. Instead the less than momentous news that some callow streak of piss was going to take over from David Tennant was treated like it was Moses coming down from Mount Sinai with the tablets.

After watching a repeat of the Doctor Who Christmas episode on New Year’s Day, and not having a decent excuse like I was far too hung over to know better than waste an hour of my life on such appalling crap, the big announcement to get people cheering in the streets should have been that Russell T Davies was being shitcanned immediately. I phoned a fan of the show up to wish him a Happy New Year and the first words out of his mouth were, “That was shit!” So that saved me the trouble.

I couldn’t agree more. Although it did remind me that it has been far too long since I watched The Iron Giant. So I suppose there was some small benefit from watching it. If this is how UK drama sees fit to welcome in the New Year, I’d say there was little hope for 2009.