Thursday, February 21, 2008

Amoebas Don't Make Atomic Bombs!

Last September there was a list doing the rounds of all the films being fast-tracked by the studios fearful of the then impending Writers Guild, Directors Guild and Screen Actors Guild strikes. Some looked interesting and entertaining: Vadim Perelman directing an adaptation of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, and Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno for The Weinstein Company.

There were also a fair amount of car wrecks waiting to happen, most of which came from the number of remakes listed: Roland Emmerich lined up for a remake of Fantastic Voyage or Scott Derrikson remaking of The Day the Earth Stood Still, which is currently filming with Keanu Reeves stepping into Michael Rennie’s shoes as Klaatu. Though Michael Eisner’s kid is prepping Creature from the Black Lagoon for Universal, so far we seem to be spared from the possibility of Robert Rodriguez turning Barbarella into something cheap and nasty or Guy Ritchie behind the camera for a remake of The Dirty Dozen – which surely would be a sign of the impending apocalypse.


Of course the list wasn’t the be all and end all of upcoming film production. To add to the woes Warner Brothers have announced they’re teaming up with Leonardo DiCaprio for a remake of Katsuhiro Ôtomo’s anime classic Akira. In live action. And possibly in two parts to make it the gift that keeps on giving. Instead of being set in the post-WWIII Neo-Tokyo of 2019, this new version will take place in “New Manhattan”, which is described as being ‘a city rebuilt with Japanese money’. Roughly translated, I guess that means it will have the Eastern design influence but be populated with American actors. Joy.

Before we scrape over our eyeballs with a cheese grater and then spray the tattered remains with warm piss, I suppose the only thing to ask is: Why?

7 Comments:

At 9:47 am, Blogger Jaded and Cynical said...

Why indeed.

Really, why are Hollywood movies so fucking awful?

 
At 1:32 pm, Blogger Riddley Walker said...

I think that Keanu missed his true role of Gort, and not Klaatu...

@j&c: Probably the same reason why Microshaft Windows is so awful - it’s supposed to appeal to the biggest market it possibly can, so has to attempt to sit on every stool it can squeeze its fat ass onto. An action movie has to appeal to people that have actually seen good ones, as well as rednecks taking a break from banging their sisters.

 
At 1:36 pm, Blogger Riddley Walker said...

And as for the live-action remake of Akira, I’m also looking forward to Tweenies: Apocalypse, Bad Lieutenant - The Animated Series and the fucking Pac-Man trilogy (in 3D).

 
At 5:54 pm, Blogger Valentine Suicide said...

Keanu as Klaatu is JUST WRONG!!!

 
At 11:52 pm, Blogger Good Dog said...

"Gort! Klaatu barada nikto, dude!" just doesn't have the right ring to it.

 
At 7:13 pm, Blogger Lucy said...

Amoebas DON'T make atomic bombs?

Shit. Now I have to alter my entire religion and way of life.

Keanu as ANYTHING is just wrong, surely?

 
At 11:31 am, Blogger Good Dog said...

The actual line of dialogue is:

"Amoebas don't make motorcycles and atomic bombs!" but it was too long a title.

Keanu in.... er, okay give me a minute here...

Speed? But then again it was all the other characters that made it interesting...

Chain Reaction! Bullseye!!

 

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